I started this post once with the intention of it being my first. Then a more pressing topic took its place and now I know why. At the time, it wasn’t quite ready but now I’ve had time to reflect in a new light. This past Mother’s Day, I found myself in a familiar place. I was in Church and I could think about was how much I despised my appearance. How could I let myself get here? Every other mother is so beautiful. What is wrong with me? Why am I not beautiful?

The funny, not really funny, thing is that those thoughts are the familiar place. I’ve been hearing these thoughts strung together in different ways since I was in late middle school. When a year or two has passed, I always look at those old photos longingly. In a new light and time, I see the beauty I didn’t see the moment the photograph was snapped. When I look at little 15 year old me, I just want to hug her. I just want to go back in time and show her what I see now. The same happens when I look at 25 year old me and even two years ago me. Why can’t I share the same sentiment with myself today?

If I was talking to a friend I would have so many kind things to say. It would be as if I were overflowing with love and acceptance for her. Why can’t I do the same for myself? Have you struggled with a certain thing your entire life? I’m sure you have because we all do. I have been struggling with feeling ‘less than’ for more than half my life. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that my worth was directly correlated with my weight and appearance. Even worse, I decided to tell myself the lie that since I wasn’t ‘perfect’ then I was worthless.

I have been overweight since I was 11 years old. It was made cruelly apparent by the doctor (not a pediatrician) as he spoke to my mom about my weight. It didn’t matter that I was struggling with my transition back to life in the US after living abroad for 2 years. It didn’t matter that I was no longer living somewhere safe enough to play outside. And it certainly didn’t matter how the tone and choice of words might stay with me for the rest of my life. Today I’m 31 and the memory of that day is as raw and fresh as ever. The shame I feel at times is completely paralyzing. The longer I carry it, the louder it threatens to squash me.

I’m going to tell you what I wish I felt deep in my bones. You are more than a number and you are more than what you see in the mirror. Sometimes the mirror is the magician that turns what we critically tell ourselves into all we see. Chasing a number and what you consider a perfect appearance will never ever in the world bring you what you’re actually seeking. Self-love doesn’t come from the scale or photoshop. In the same way true peace can’t be taken from you, self-love doesn’t depend on your size or physical appearance. And it doesn’t depend on your productivity, achievements, material goods, etc. either while we’re at it.

I’m struggling with my appearance because of my size right now. What if instead of berating myself about how I look, I decide to accept that even though I’m not where I want to be it doesn’t change my worth? Since in my mind I’ve made my worth correlated to my appearance, I’m having a hard time treating myself with the love and kindness I deserve. Are you struggling too? I’m going to let you in on a little secret--you don’t have to wait until you look a certain way or the scale says a certain number to love yourself. Self-love doesn’t depend on your hair and make-up being done. Self-love doesn’t need to start on Monday, the 1st of the month, or the day you reach your goal weight.

You are worthy of love whether you are underweight, overweight, tall, thin, wide, short, tan, white, black, and every shade in between. You are worthy of love no matter what your shape is--apple, pear, ruler, hourglass, etc.--all worthy of love. You are worthy of love whether your body looks just how you want it to or it’s been changed by life along the way. Even if your body has never looked how you want it to, you are still worthy of love. Self-love is about loving yourself as you are. Not how you wish you were. Let go of the fantasy self you love and love the you that you are right at this exact moment in time. Below you will find this week’s ‘fruits of inspiration & grace’ (FiGs) to help keep us accountable to incorporating self-love in our daily lives.

I don’t know what led to your insecurities about size or appearance and self-worth but if I could, I would flip that little self-love switch on full blast. Bye bye self-loathing, you’re not welcome here. We will never get where we want to be doing the same old thing we’ve been doing for years. Let us instead find concrete ways to love ourselves the way we love our favorite people. Because news flash--you’re the person you’re spending your whole life with. If you'd like a practice scenario that explains how you can apply this reflection's 4 FiGs in your life, you are invited to subscribe to the 'FiG 4-1-1' newsletter here or below. Don't forget, you are worthy of loving yourself as you are.