Here I am, completely committed to writing weekly reflections—specific topic in hand—no idea where to start. You see, setting and upholding boundaries is a major area of need for me. I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I strongly dislike tension and anything I perceive as confrontation much preferring to keep the peace at all costs. Unfortunately, many times throughout my life, “at all costs” has meant sacrificing my own sanity to avoid even the briefest moment of tension. Do you struggle with saying “no”? Are you a chronic overcomitter? Does anxiety always lead you to agreeing?

Different seasons in our lives help us learn different lessons. A lesson I’ve been slowly (think: snail’s pace) learning during my ‘grown-up’ life is that as Anne Lamott said “no is a complete sentence.” I’m learning that my time and mental health are more valuable than keeping others happy. Why am I working to keep others happy at the expense of my own happiness? If these ‘others’ really care about me, why would they be happy if I’m not honoring my own boundaries? Even though I’m learning that boundaries are acceptable and necessary to function in life, I am still unsuccessfully implementing this lesson in many areas of my life. Like you may have learned, when in doubt I write.

Are you a people pleaser? I was once a people pleaser extraordinaire! Utterly terrified of offending someone simply by saying no. It didn’t really matter if I didn’t have time or was overwhelmed with other commitments and obligations. If it meant I could avoid tension and keep someone happy, yes—at my own expense—was the go to. People pleasing is an easy way to get burned out and resentful. Those are two qualities I no longer wish to embody. In order to avoid going down those rabbit holes repeatedly, I am slowly finding my voice and paying attention to my own ‘needs meter.’

Paying attention to your own ‘needs meter’ is a lot like periodically checking your car’s speed when driving. Instead of going 0 to 60 is 2 seconds right next to the police officer (the person demanding my time and attention) I’m slowly accelerating while I keep in mind the vehicle’s weight capacity (how much I can handle right now). Where I am in terms of mental and physical availability plays a major role in what I can handle today. Did I sleep enough last night? Have my basic needs (bathroom, food, water, etc.) been met today? There are plenty of variables in life that affect my needs meter. This means I have to consciously give myself permission to say no if that’s where I’m at today.

Although it’s still hard to say no, it’s like a muscle—the more I use it the easier it gets. Remember friends, ‘no is a complete sentence.’ If my needs meter says my needs have been sufficiently addressed and I’m interested in the activity, task, job, etc. then it’s an easy yes. If my needs meter is running low but the item in question fuels me then it’s time for a pros and cons list. Does the fuel help increase the fullness of or at least balance my needs meter? Almost every time it’s a passion or major interest, the slight increase in demands is outweighed by the energy and sense of purpose the task gives me.

I am learning that setting and upholding boundaries is healthy, almost always a form of self-care, and most importantly—they don’t need to be justified. That last lesson is much harder to accept as truth. As someone who easily feels guilty, justifying relieves the guilt. Let us learn to accept that there is no need for guilt to begin with. Our needs matter and if we can’t take on that extra job at work or that extra volunteer task it’s ok. Sane balanced you is much better than the overcommitted easily triggered grouchy counterpart.

Setting boundaries is one of my newest areas of personal growth. I’m definitely a beginner. I still have to consciously tune into myself instead of autopilot worrying about what others will think and people pleasing. As a recovering people pleaser, more often than I’d like to admit I fall into old patterns. But that’s ok, for me and for you, as long as we keep plugging along and work to balance our needs meter. When we care for ourselves well, we have more to pour into the people and hobbies we love as well as our many roles and responsibilities. In an effort to help keep us both accountable, I invite you to reflect on the ‘fruits of inspiration & grace’ below with me this week.

If you feel confused or uncertain about how to approach setting boundaries, I bid you to find a medium that works for you. I, for example, like audiobooks. Other mediums you might try are books, podcasts, YouTube videos, social media accounts, etc. The point is to select one that you enjoy and use it to your advantage. Instead of mindlessly scrolling on Instagram for example, intentionally seek out accounts that will empower you to craft the boundary(ies) you need in your life. Remember, one step is all it takes to get started.

To receive a practice scenario that explains how you can apply this reflection's 4 FiGs in your life, you are invited to subscribe to the 'FiG 4-1-1' newsletter here or below. Remember, you deserve to meet your own needs even if it means setting hard boundaries.