I had been living in survival mode for so long that I forgot what it was like to thrive. Thriving fairly consistently for the last few months has led to two realizations. There are two key elements that majorly contribute to thriving: 1) consistent self-care and 2) expectation management. Often, easily triggered frustration is directly related to self-neglect and having unrealistic expectations.

In the past whenever I would start dating, I’d quickly find my self-care routine gone out the window only to emerge when I was single again. Now that I’m married with children, my time to myself is drastically limited. This has led to my current quest of carving out time each day to meet my needs. I’ve learned that if I make something a priority, I will make time for it. You only have time for what you prioritize. I urge you to make you and your needs a priority. Before you can be the best version of yourself, your needs must be met. If you’re currently thriving, you will notice your balance quickly going out the window if you slip into a cycle of self-neglect. The grouchier you are, the more you need to work to love and care for yourself.

We often choose self-sacrificing because we see it as virtuous or time saving. It is not virtuous, in fact, it leaves you in the negatives increasing your debt to yourself. While your debt increases, you continue to accept the message that you and your needs don’t matter. We also choose to compare ourselves to people we admire. Comparison is a form of poor expectation management. You achieving someone else’s best self is as likely as waking up fluent in French after a lifetime of only speaking English. We can be inspired by our role models and idols while nurturing ourselves. Being inspired leads to positive life changes while self-sacrifice and comparison lead to self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy.

Meeting your basic needs daily, will open up the time and energy to tackle interests and various life goals. In this context, ‘needs’ refers to daily practices that are necessary for basic functioning. This would be a good time to jot the first 3-5 things that come to mind as your personal daily needs. If you’re struggling, here are some basic needs that lead to my undoing if I don’t meet them each day: drinking enough water, eating 5 fruit and veggie colors (white/brown, yellow/orange, red, green, blue/purple), a full night’s rest, exercise, going to the bathroom before my bladder is about to explode, showering and getting to bed early.

Regardless of what your personal basic needs are, the key to long-term success is starting small. If you try to do everything all at once you will inevitably give up because it won’t feel sustainable over time. If you need to drink more water, you might first define how much water you need each day. If it’s a half gallon, you might fill a half gallon before bed so it’s ready to go the next morning. If you need to eat more fruit and vegetables you might choose to buy pre-cut fruit or salad kits to make it easier to incorporate into mealtimes. Whatever your goal is, break it down into its easiest, most foolproof version in order to accomplish it. As you start consistently meeting your basic needs, in addition to time and energy for interests and goals, you will notice an increase in your kindness and patience.

In order to achieve whatever tasks you need to complete for the day or reach personal goals, expectation management will play a huge part in your long-term success. If you want to be someone who walks daily, starting with 60 minutes a day every day is not realistic if you don’t walk at all right now. Start with 5 to 10 minutes at the same time every day. You’re playing the long game here. The short-term goal is to establish the habit*, not to walk an hour a day. Once the habit is established, you can adjust the length of time and your speed. Don’t waste your energy looking at what your fittest friend is doing, manage your expectations to reflect realistic progress for your current fitness level. This applies to most other goals, replace walking with what is important to you.

Once my basic needs were met consistently, the resentment I felt when I completed my lengthy list of daily ‘to dos’ evaporated. There was more energy and love to pour into my responsibilities because of the energy and love I had poured into myself. I even found time to pursue one of my biggest passions which is writing. If I hadn’t made time to lovingly meet my own needs, there would be no time for writing. That’s not all it takes though. Oftentimes, the ‘perfect’ vision I had for the day needs to be released. I have to accept that, although unplanned ‘perfect’ moments happen, ‘perfect’ days don’t exist. This acceptance comes from expectation management. When I meet my own needs consistently and accept what is, adapting as needed, I can thrive.

This very morning, I had to manage my completely unrealistic expectations. I wanted to wake up 45 minutes earlier than I did to do the following before leaving the house at 8:40am: wash and straighten my hair, feed my twins, pump for them, get 4 bottles ready, make breakfast, create 2 graphics for my reflection, publish the reflection, and create 3 social media posts. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say I was mean and grouchy before I accepted that this was not a realistic timeline for everything I wanted to complete. Once I stopped being paralyzed by unplanned changes, I accepted what was and adapted as needed. Once I accepted the unplanned changes to my morning and managed my expectations, my ‘fight’ response was replaced with a stable nervous system. Once I was no longer operating in ‘fight’ mode, I was able to access executive functioning skills which enabled me to adapt as needed to achieve what mattered most before leaving.

Expectation management involves accepting unexpected changes and reframing certain events from negative to positive. I could be really disappointed in myself that I overslept but that won’t change that it happened. Instead, let me be grateful that my body received the extra sleep it needed. Once you accept the unplanned change, you can boil the tasks down until only top priorities that fit into the time slot you have are what’s left. Some examples of quick changes to my morning routine follow. I didn’t have time to warm up the girls’ milk (5+ mins) before pumping so milk straight from the fridge it is. Instead of washing and straightening my hair this morning (30+ mins), I saved time by tying it into a ponytail. The reflection will have to be posted at a later time than I would have liked. The list of activity swaps goes on, with each swap saving me time to get out the door in time.

You matter, you are a priority so treat yourself as one. Try to skip your needs as little as possible when you’re crunched for time. Other things can be moved. If you find yourself frequently skipping a certain need, troubleshoot until you find a way to meet it. You have many unique gifts and talents that make you wonderful regardless of what areas may need work. In what areas do you shine? What makes you feel pride in yourself? Make sure you are watering your talents and gifts instead of pining over someone else’s green grass. If you invest in your own grass consistently, you’ll soon find it thriving as much as the person whose grass you admire. I invite you to reflect on the following ‘fruits of inspiration & grace’ (FiGs) with me over the next week.

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